Image Laundering

The science of image laundering is far too complicated for the average person to comprehend; in fact most of us, stupefied by its amazing powers of transformation, see it as visual alchemy. How on earth could anyone have transmuted such soiled source material into this sterile antiseptic picture?

Before arriving at the final “man from glad” appearance, many years of dirt had to be carefully removed. John Charade began soiling himself as far back as 1990 while apprenticing under the notorious Brian Motelmoney, with the botched bribery of a Federal Judge. Since that time Charade has greatly crafted his dark art, engineering the corruption of an entire network of Judges and much of the financial infrastructure of government. All of that accumulated filth has been magically filtered out by Patronal Public Prevarication Inc. the image launderers hired to clean the Charade portrait, which can now be displayed publically without risk of offense or repulsion.

Does Captain Jack Nado use a bull crystalline camera?

Its only speculation but it would explain a lot. First of all, photojournalism would be the obvious place to exploit a dioptric camera, (see posts August 9th 2008 and June 23rd 2012) on the other hand that would depend entirely on the newspaper industry’s interest in portraying the bone dried truth of things. Let’s say hypothetically, if there was an interest in utilising a bull crystalline camera in the news industry it would probably be in the service of an independent newspaper of which, we believe there is only one in North America, and perhaps not coincidently, it is precisely this newspaper that employs Captain Jack Nado. WOW! It’s circumstantial but persuasive evidence!

Although there is absolutely no precedence for a dioptric field camera nor has there ever been a terrestrial sighting of such a thing, Amazing.com includes one in their catalogue. The item is perpetually out of stock and is listed as deliverable in an estimated 250 weeks. The following image taken from the Amazing.com catalogue indicates that the bull crystalline is placed on a self-mobilising extension dolly, possibly driven by a servo-motor mechanism.

If we consider the imagery it is difficult to refute the obvious conclusion that Captain Jack’s camera seems to be impervious to the residual sugary gloss the political marketers cover real-life people and events with.

Here is a comparison of a Captain Jack portrait of John Charade the Mayor of Lower Canada with a traditional photograph of the same subject.

Obviously a bull crystalline camera would not be appreciated in the animal kingdom and could even lead to understandable outrage and protest. A field dioptric camera would be somewhat perilous since it is carried around in public and exposed to unpredictable contact with animals. In this respect perhaps it is worthy of note that Captain Jack was recently run over by a mounted policeman while executing his function as press photographer.

The National Enquirer of Montreal

Apparently the proprietor of the 4 “S” tabloid we used for our first bull crystalline experiment (see post June 27 2012), publishes an edition of the same newspaper in Montreal which seems to be spiritually closer to its American prototype of phantastic journalism “the National Enquirer “.

Here is an example of one of its more esoteric issues.